Terrible 2s: Understanding & Managing Toddler Tantrums

Picture this: you’re in the middle of a grocery store while your child screams, kicks, and throws themselves on the floor. Tantrums are one of the most challenging parts of early parenthood, but understanding what’s happening can help you navigate these stormy moments with more confidence and calm.

What Is a Tantrum?

A tantrum is an intense emotional explosion. You might see screaming, crying, throwing things, hitting, kicking, or even head banging. Tantrums often seem completely disproportionate to what triggered them, like melting down over the “wrong” color cup or because their sandwich was cut into squares instead of triangles.

While tantrums typically peak around age two (which is why people call this phase the “terrible twos”) they can start as early as one year and continue past three. Every child is different, and these outbursts don’t magically disappear on their third birthday.

Why Do Tantrums Happen?

Your child isn’t trying to manipulate you or “be bad.” Their brain is still developing, and they’re missing some crucial skills that adults take for granted.

Think about what it takes to handle frustration calmly. You need to recognize what you’re feeling, control your impulses, think through solutions, wait for what you want, and explain your needs clearly. That’s a lot of complex brain work! Young children are still building these abilities from scratch.

They also struggle to understand what’s expected in different situations, and they don’t yet know how to calm themselves down when big feelings take over. Imagine feeling intense anger or disappointment but having no tools to manage it. That’s what your toddler experiences during a tantrum.

Heading Off Tantrums Before They Start

You can’t prevent every tantrum, but you can reduce how often they happen. We’ve shared tips in another post about helping your child understand and manage their emotions, but below are suggestions that focus specifically on reducing the frequency and intensity of terrible twos tantrums.

Keep life predictable. Children feel safer when they know what’s coming next. Simple routines for meals, naps, and bedtime create a sense of security that helps them stay regulated.

Give advance notice. Even if you think your child doesn’t fully understand yet, tell them what’s about to happen. “In ten minutes, we’re going to leave the playground” or “After this show, it’s bath time” helps their brain prepare for transitions.

Pick your battles wisely. Ask yourself: does this really matter? If your child wants to wear their superhero costume to the store, consider letting it go. Save your energy for things that truly affect their safety or wellbeing.

Pay attention to their overall state. Just like adults, kids have off days. If your child seems cranky from the moment they wake up, they might be getting sick, didn’t sleep well, or are just having a rough day. When possible, adjust your expectations and skip non-essential activities.

Catch them being good. Throughout the day, notice when your child handles things well. “I love how you waited patiently while I finished talking” or “You used your words instead of pushing. Great job!” This ongoing positive feedback is more powerful than only addressing problems.

What to Do During a Tantrum

When a tantrum erupts, your instinct might be to comfort your child with hugs or try to reason with them. Unfortunately, in the heat of a meltdown, these approaches often don’t work. Here’s what might help:

Prioritize safety first. If your child might hurt themselves or others, or if they’re near a dangerous area like a busy street, physically intervene. Hold them securely and firmly state the boundary.

Tell them what to do, not what to stop. Rather than “Don’t hit!” try “Keep your hands down” or “Touch gently.” Children often hear “don’t” but don’t know what behavior should replace it.

Don’t give in to demands. This is hard, especially when you’re exhausted or in public. But when children learn that tantrums get them what they want, they’ll keep using that strategy. Instead, wait for them to calm down, then praise the calm behavior immediately.

Offer simple choices. When appropriate, give two options: “Do you want to hold my hand or ride in the cart?” This gives them some control without a yes-or-no standoff.

Try distraction. Sometimes redirecting attention to something else can help reset their emotional state. Just be careful this doesn’t become a reward for the tantrum itself.

Acknowledge without rewarding. Once they’re calmer, you might say something like, “I know you really wanted those crackers. I like them too. We can get some next time we shop.” This validates their feelings while maintaining your boundary.

Stay calm yourself. Your child is already dysregulated, they need you to be their anchor. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, tag out with another adult if possible.

When Should You Worry?

Most tantrums are normal, but sometimes they signal a deeper issue. Consider reaching out to your pediatrician if:

Tantrums are happening multiple times a day, most days, for several weeks
Your child hurts themselves or others regularly (leaving bruises, bite marks, or other injuries)
They’re being excluded from playgroups, preschool, or other activities because of aggressive behavior
You feel genuinely afraid they might hurt someone
You’re struggling to cope and feel overwhelmed

Stay connected with teachers, caregivers, and other adults in your child’s life. They can help you track patterns you might not see at home.

You’re Doing Better Than You Think

Building a stable, loving home with consistent boundaries goes a long way toward preventing tantrums. But even with your very best parenting, some tantrums will still happen. That’s not a reflection on you. It’s simply part of how young children grow and learn.Your toddler is doing the hard work of learning to understand and manage their emotions, and you’re the patient teacher guiding them through it. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. Be kind to yourself on the tough days, celebrate the small victories, and remember that “the terrible twos” won’t last forever.