Teaching Our Children Well: Positive Discipline

As parents, we dream big for our little ones. We want them to grow up curious about the world, confident in themselves, and free to explore their boundless imagination.

But we also need them to cooperate when it’s time to leave the playground, to use gentle hands with their baby brother, to sit reasonably still during grandma’s birthday dinner, and to go to bed without a two-hour battle. We need them to listen when we say “hold my hand in the parking lot” and to understand that hitting friends when frustrated isn’t okay.

This isn’t about overcontrolling our children or dimming their spark. It’s about helping them develop the skills they’ll need to navigate the world successfully. When our son learns to wait her turn, he’s building patience. When our daughter discovers she can use words instead of fists, she’s growing in emotional awareness.

The question isn’t whether to guide our children’s behavior, it’s how. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics and UNICEF, there’s an approach that works better than yelling or punishment, builds your relationship with your child, and actually teaches the skills children need. It’s called positive discipline.

What Positive Discipline Means

Positive discipline isn’t about being permissive. It’s about being both warm and firm at the same time: teaching rather than punishing, showing your child what to do, not just what not to do.

Traditional punishment tries to control behavior through fear, shame, or pain. These methods might stop a behavior in the moment, but research shows they don’t teach children what they should do instead. Worse, they can damage your relationship and create long-term problems.

Positive discipline focuses on preventing problems before they start, teaching appropriate behavior through modeling and guidance, understanding what your child is trying to communicate, using natural consequences delivered calmly, and reinforcing the behaviors you want to see more of.

Putting It Into Practice

1. Make Your Home Work for You

A three-year-old can’t resist touching that delicate vase on the low shelf. Their brain isn’t developed enough for that level of impulse control yet. So move the vase. Put safety locks on cabinets with cleaning supplies. Create spaces where your child can explore freely without hearing “no” every five minutes. You’re preventing conflicts before they happen.

2. Set Clear Expectations

“Behave yourself” means nothing to a three-year-old. Instead of vague instructions, be specific: “Please put your blocks in the blue bin” is much clearer than “Clean up this mess.” “Use walking feet inside” is clearer than “Stop running around!”

Choose three to five simple family rules and state them positively: “Use gentle touches,” “Use inside voices indoors,” “Keep food at the table.” Young children can’t remember a long list of rules, their memory is still developing. Focus on your family’s biggest pain points. If mealtimes are chaotic, make a rule about staying at the table. If sibling conflicts are constant, prioritize gentle touches.

3. Redirect Before Things Escalate

Watch for warning signs: your child getting overstimulated at a birthday party, growing tired at the grocery store, two siblings circling the same toy. Step in before the hitting starts. You might say, “You both want that truck! Let’s find another toy for you, Marcus, while Sofia finishes her turn.” Or distract with something new: “Oh, I wonder if we can build a tower tall enough to reach your nose!” Changing the subject, introducing a game, or offering a snack can shift their energy toward something positive. Prevention is easier than intervention.

When misbehavior does happen, redirect to what they should do: “We don’t throw blocks, they could hurt someone. Blocks are for building. If you want to throw, let’s go outside and throw balls.”

4. Use Calm, Logical Consequences

When your child misbehaves despite clear expectations and warnings, follow through with a consequence that makes sense. If your daughter keeps throwing her crayons, the crayons get put away for now. If your son won’t stop splashing water out of the bath, bath time ends.

Give a warning first: “If you keep taking toys from your sister, you’ll need to play in a different area.” If the behavior continues, follow through without anger. The consequence should relate to the behavior, be immediate, and be brief. Taking away screen time for a week because your three-year-old hit someone is too long and too disconnected. They’ll forget why they lost the privilege.

5. Stay Calm (Or Walk Away Until You Can)

When your child is melting down or deliberately testing limits, your own frustration can boil over. Pause. Take five slow, deep breaths. Walk into another room for a moment if your child is safe. You can’t teach emotional regulation when you’re dysregulated yourself.

6. Point Out What They’re Doing Right

Constantly correcting your child creates a negative cycle. Flip this around by narrating the positive: “I see you put your shoes away without being asked, that’s so helpful!” “You’re sharing your crayons with your brother. That’s being a good sister.” Be specific about what they did well. You’re shining a spotlight on the behaviors you want to see more often.

7. Build Routines Your Child Can Count On

Young children feel most secure when they know what’s coming next. A consistent daily routine creates a framework that helps children regulate themselves. When Wednesday looks a lot like Tuesday, your four-year-old doesn’t have to ask “What’s happening next?” every ten minutes. Post a simple picture schedule at your child’s eye level showing the daily routine.

8. Connect Every Single Day

Spending even ten minutes of focused, uninterrupted time with your child each day dramatically reduces behavior problems. Put away your phone. Turn off the TV. Get down on the floor. Let your child lead the play. Children who feel truly seen and valued are far less likely to seek attention through misbehavior.

Don’t Forget to Take Care of Yourself

Every parent loses their cool sometimes. What matters is what comes next. Apologize sincerely: “I’m sorry I yelled at you. That wasn’t okay. I was feeling frustrated, but I should have taken a breath first.” Then reconnect through a hug, reading together, or playing outside.

You don’t have to be perfect. Your child needs a parent who tries, who repairs when things go wrong, and who loves them unconditionally.

Positive discipline requires patience, consistency, and emotional energy; all of which are in short supply when you’re running on fumes. Find small ways to recharge and give yourself credit for everything you’re doing right. Each evening, identify one moment you handled well.

The Long View

The three-year-old you guide patiently through sharing struggles becomes the seven-year-old who can navigate playground conflicts independently. The four-year-old you help name their feelings becomes the teenager who can talk to you about what’s bothering them.

You’re not just managing behavior. You’re building a human being with strong relationships, emotional awareness, and self-control. And along the way, you’re making your days calmer and your home more peaceful, which means you all get to enjoy this brief, precious stage together.